The Adventures of Albus Dumbledore and his Depressed friend Snape
by Dingus McPingus
Summary: I have no idea what caused me to write this.


_The Adventures of Albus Dumbledore and his Depressed friend Snape._

The students walked into the Potions classroom to see their teacher, Severus Snape, sitting on his desk, sobbing into his arms. A big pool of tears was collecting around the desk and dripping onto the floor. The students sat down at their tables. Nothing was out of the ordinary. After roughly twenty minutes, Harry Potter raised his hand. Snape, of course, didn't notice due to his face being covered by his arms and hands. By now the students were getting a little concerned. Snape's sobbing usually only lasted fifteen minutes into the start of the lesson. Harry tried to get Snape's attention.

"Um… Sir?"  
There was no response.  
"Are you all right?"  
Snape slowly raised his head and barked out a few incoherent words before finally mustering up the energy to shout at his most disliked student. "MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS, POTTER!"  
Harry grumbled something incoherent to his best friend, Ron Weasley. Ron, as usual, had completely tuned out and had not even noticed what had transpired, as he never listened in Potions anyway. He had, in fact, been thinking about what he was going to have for lunch.

Albus Dumbledore, who had a knack for knowing when students weren't being taught useless information, walked into the room. Snape's sobs had been audible from the other side of the castle. Even during an emotional meltdown, Snape managed to be as obnoxious as possible. "Severus, people are trying to sleep in the rooms opposite you…" Albus sighed.  
"SHUT UP, ALBUS!" Snape shrieked, "IT'S 2 PM IN THE GODDAMN AFTERNOON! WHY ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO SLEEP?!"  
Albus stroked his beard in an attempt to look wiser than he actually was. "Well, for starters, they're still recovering from that drinking party we had last night. On my way here, I passed by Professor McGonagall, who is still unconscious."  
Snape groaned. "Don't talk to me about that bloody party, Albus you horrible old senile… erm…"  
Snape tried to think of a really good insult, but he was too depressed to think of anything. He flopped his head back down onto the table.

Albus took off his glasses and rubbed both his eyes with his fingers. "Alright, Severus, what's wrong?"  
After a few minutes, Snape finally stood up to observe the concoctions the students had been brewing in their free time (and to engage in his favourite pastime, i.e. pouring hydrochloric acid down Neville Longbottom's shorts).  
"I don't want to talk about it…" he groaned, plunging his head into a cauldron full of Venomous Tentacula Juice.  
"Severus." Albus wasn't taking no for an answer.  
"You wouldn't understand…" Snape's voice could still be clearly heard under the bubbling liquid.  
"Did you get mugged in Hogsmead again?"  
"Go away and let me suffer in peace…"  
"Or did you get mauled by Professor Flitwick's cassowary again?"  
"I want to die…"  
"Did you get your credit card stolen by the Giant Squid again?"  
"Ngh."  
"SEVERUS FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, JUST TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG!"

Snape jumped, not because he was surprised at Dumbledore's sudden change in voice, but because the Venomous Tentacula Juice had reached boiling point and the stinging pain had become unbearable. "MY EYES!" he screamed. "THEY BURN!"  
"Of course they burn, you idiot." Albus deadpanned. "Holy shit, you're supposed to be the bloody Potions Master in this school… now what's making you more depressed than usual?"

Snape sighed deeply. "Well, today I woke up."  
"Go on."  
"And I looked out of the window."  
"Uh huh."  
"And I saw the terrifying face-that-looks-like-a-hippopotamus-that's-been-trod-on of JAMES POTTER, watching me through the window. He smiled and waved at me."  
"That's all?"  
"He broke through my window."  
"We have magic, Severus. Broken windows aren't a problem."  
"He threw shards of glass and tore my Picasso painting."  
"Half of the paintings here are fake anyway…"  
"He entered my room."  
"That's what the shotgun I bought you is for."  
"He took my shotgun."  
"How did he figure out how to fire it? The man's an imbecile!"  
"He used the handle to bludgeon me for fifteen minutes."  
"Well, you have a wand, don't you?"  
"Then he pulled down his pants and shat all over my bed."  
"Beds can be replaced."  
"He tore down my lovely laced curtains, clogged the toilet with them, and knocked me unconscious before I could cry for help."  
"Well, I think…"  
"I woke up later with my wand shoved up my ass. I tried to get it out and accidently snapped it in half. I still haven't gotten the splinters out."

Albus blinked. "I've run out of positives, son."  
Snape groaned in dismay. "I don't even know why he's still alive. The only thing that I enjoyed about working for the Dark Lord was that I wouldn't see that smug smirk of his again…"  
Albus stroked his beard. "You do realize that he's been standing in the doorway for five minutes, right?" Snape spun around to see none other than James Potter, who stabbed Snape in the eye with a long, pointed stick. "HELLO, SEVERUS!" he shouted cheerfully. Snape screamed and recoiled, totally ignoring the fact that he was now blind in one eye. "YOU STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" he shrieked, jumping up onto a desk and causing a cauldron to spill carborane acid onto the floor.

James removed the stick from Snape's eye and began hitting him over the head with it.  
"ALBUS GET HIM OFF ME!" Snape screamed.  
Albus was sitting in the corner, reading a book.  
Harry Potter joined in, hitting Snape over the head with his Potions textbook.  
"That's my son!" James grinned, hi-fiving Harry.  
"GOD DAMMIT, POTTER!" Snape shouted, before deciding to take matters into his own hands. Jumping off the table, he ran to his desk and opened the drawer, pulling out a rapier. With an incredibly fast swing of his blade, Snape sliced the two Potters' weapons in half and proceeded to duel them both on top of the table.

James pulled out an M60 out of his jacket and fired off the entire clip at Snape. Unfortunately, he was an extremely terrible shot due to being a wizard and not knowing shit about modern weaponry. He ended up completely missing Snape and shattering the large chandeliers hanging over the classroom. Shards of glass fell from the ceiling. Albus was still happily in the corner, reading his book. Shards of glass fell and bounced off his head. The other students began to cheer Harry on, because he was popular.  
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!" Snape shrieked, accidentally decapitating quite a few students whilst waving his rapier around and getting a shard of glass in his injured eye. Snape let loose quite a few swear words and slipped off the table. His sword spun through the air and fell, stabbing him in the chest.

James looked down on his defeated foe and proceeded to pour Ron Weasley's cauldron of cheese fondue onto him. "Nice to see you too, Snape" James grinned. The students cheered. Albus was still reading his book. "I HATE YOU ALL!" screamed Snape, still able to talk despite sustaining multiple fatal wounds. Snape removed the rapier from his chest, causing blood spill everywhere and he closed his eyes, letting the darkness of sweet death envelope him…

Until he woke up in the hospital wing, covered in alcohol and regurgitated food from what he assumed was the drinking party. "You all right, Severus?" Albus asked, looking concerned. Snape looked around. "Oh, thank god, it was just a dream. James Potter is still dead." Snape told himself, relieved.  
"Nothing Albus, just a dream I had about James Potter coming in and engaging me in a swordfight…"  
Albus gave Snape a funny look. "Oh, no." he corrected Snape. "That did happen."  
Suddenly, James Potter burst into the hospital wing, armed with two grenade launchers. He fired one at the foot of Snape's bed, causing a massive explosion that sent Snape flying onto the wall. "HELLO AGAIN, SEVERUS!" James cackled, walking toward Snape and holding a large broom with the intention of shoving it up the former's asshole.  
Snape screamed.


End file.
